Why I Hate Old People: An Essay

The old saying of "Respect your Elders," is, in my opnion, dumb as hell. Why? I'll tell you why.

Firstly, the elderly are the most annoying group of people that at least I have to deal with on a daily basis. Going to school, going to work, going to the grocery store, I have to deal with them.

Example - The Grocery Store

What's that? You can't reach the cat food cans, so you need to use a stick that you hit people with "accidentally"? Oh, don't worry, I'm fine with moving three steps a minute because I can't get around you and your cart, which you BROUGHT FROM HOME. Go ahead, find the coup you need in your coupon purse. I think it's behind the ones that expired three years ago. No, I'm not inconvienced, it's not like you can't order groceris online. Oh, you don't know what that even means, do you? That's so cute.

Example 2 - The Bus

Oh, hi every old lady ever. It's nice to see you taking up every seat ever because you're too fragile to stand. Don't worry, the driver will extend the platform so you don't have to walk down three stairs carrying your oxygen tank. It's not you're old, rich and alone and can't afford to take a cab. I'm sure you're supporting other people and need to take the bus for economic reasons.


Now, with these two examples, I wanted to give everyone a little insight as to why I hate old people. Let me break it down into a few bullet points for the people who didn't understand it the first time.

-If you're too fragile to stand on the bus as it moves, don't take the bus. That should be a test to get on the bus in the first place. Exceptions made for those who have a legitimate reason for not being able to stand. Except for fatties.

-Just because you're old, that doesn't mean you get to let yourself go around uneducated. Get a computer, hire someone to teach you how to use it. It's a TV with a typewriter.

-Get out of my way, old people. That one's simple.


Listen, it breaks down like this. I'll respect my elders when they respect everyone else. Just because you've managed to last this long, doesn't mean you get to be an asshole to everyone. I'll give you my seat on the bus, if you ask poleitly like an actual human. If you decide that the proper way to ask is to stand there and look at me all angry and wrinkly. And for God's sake, politics is more than social security. Don't be so fucking selfish.

Let's face it folks, old people are slow, willfully ignorant and most of them are racist a lil bit. Old people, this is your last warning, shape up, or ship out. To Florida.