My Drink Chart.

Welcome back, fearful readers.

I’m sure you’re all wondering, “Where’ve you been, or great master of wordy words and truthful truths?” I’ve been home, enjoying an early birfday, thank you very much. Now shut you pie hole. You know, the hole. The one where you put pie. Shut it.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Now, I know I left you all in a shroud of delicious mystery last time, as I refused to elaborate on the elaborate snack and drink system of the nerd. Well, after waiting so patiently on pins and needles for so long, I’ve decided to give you all a treat and tell you about it.

DRINKS & SNACKS

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Drinks and snacks are a complicated item in the realm of the nerd. Math is involved. Though I do warn you of the system that ensues, I worry that it will bring up a bit of controversy. You see, nerds are built with this system of snacks and drinks in their minds from birth. It’s true. Ask a doctor. We know exactly what we need to eat or drink, when we need it, based on temperature, situation, current events, historical accuracy, et cetera. To simplify this system for the common man and woman took me quite a bit of time and effort and seeing it in writing might confuse and upset some nerds when and if they see this. But no matter. This is for the benefit of the everyman, not the nerd.

Firstly, the drink calculator.


The Formula:

(Hour of the day) – (Hours you’ve been awake) = Drink

For example, if it’s 5pm and you’ve been awake for, let’s say, 10 hours, you’ll get the drink in the -5 slot, which shall be revealed later. Simple isn’t it?

Now, nine times out of ten, you’ll be getting a negative number, unless you’ve just woken up, but don’t worry, that’s normal, especially later on in the day. And second, don’t use military time here people. 1-12, am or pm and that is it.

If you score between 12 and 6 your drink is…..

COFFEE



An obvious choice. Coffee is nice and hot and delicious with the right amount of foamy stuff and caramel. With caffeine and probably lots of sugar, coffee helps you get your ass up, which you need if you’re just waking up or hitting a lull in the middle of the day.


If you score between 5 and 0 your drink is…..

SPORTS DRINK/KOOL-AID/FRUITY WATER



Now, a score between 5 and absolute 0 probably means you’re starting your day, or hitting the early evening. For this time of day, you need something refreshing, enjoyable, cold and crisp. Fruit flavored drinks are perfect for this category. The best part is the options I’m offering you bitches. Flavor and type can vary to personal taste, though keep it under 20oz.


If you score between -1 and -7 your drink is….

SODA



Colder, cooler and meaner than a sports drink, packed with caffeine and sugar, a can, bottle or cup of soda is perfect for the post-lunch and evening doldrums. The sugar gives you a sudden charge and the caffeine in a regular soda keeps that kicks going. Though be careful with relying on it to get you though the day. If a can of soda is what you’re hoping will get you through the day, you’re gonna have a caffeine crash in no time. Supplement this with a small snack that has a lot of protein or fiber for energy or a bottle of water.


If you score between -8 and -24 your drink is…..

BAWLS



Nerd holy water. Packed with more caffeine than the coffee and soda, Bawls is the necessary tool for late nights or long drives of studying and term paper writing or just an all-nighter of Dead Rising. Bawls can and will keep you going but heed my warning. Take Bawls in small doses and certainly not everyday. You don’t want your body getting used to that much caffeine coming at you all the time, so drinking Bawls for a week straight and then stopping with leave you tired and groggy for a long ass time. When you do drink it, stretch it out, sip, not guzzle, make the bottle last and hour if not more.


There’s your delicious liquid enjoyment, all in a nice, neat little package. “But wait!” you cry, “What about snacks?! I need my snacks!” Shut up. They’re coming and you’ll know what to do by the end of this week. In the mean time, don’t live your life word for word by what I say. These are suggestions and mainly for entertainment, so that means you can’t sue if you o.d. on Mountain Dew. And seriously, be healthy about it, drink water or fresh fruit juice.

Take care of yourselves, you salivating masses.


Semper pi.

My Nerd Diet.

For the first "offical" post I decided to start with something everyone needs. Something vital. Food.

I'm sure you're already thinking to yourself, "Food? But how can what we eat be considered nerdy or not nerdy? Tell us please!" Hold on now, kids. Daddy doesn't like to be rushed. You'll know what you need to know when you need to know it. God, impatient bastards.

Anyway, nerd food can be broken down to several different categories, based on time of day and need.To keep things as simple as possible, we'll just go through a standard day.


BREAKFAST

What many call the most important meal of the day, breakfast sets the tone for the rest of the day, so you better eat right. The nerd choice is simple and obvious. cereal and milk. Delecious. A perfect combonation of the two will give you the energy and deleciousness you need to get through your day.

But what cereal should you eat? Such is a question that has plauged mankind for all of mankind. The answer, dear readers, is simple.



This man is your answer. Whether with peanut butter or some kind of twisted berry type thingy, you can do no wrong with the Cap'n. And don't you dare spell it any other way.


LUNCH

Now, to me, lunch is just as important as breakfast ever could be. Lunch is giving you the energy that you need to get through work, class, or naptime. For a lot of people, myself included, lunch is the biggest meal for those very reasons.

Fortunately, lunch is the meal with the most options as well. Burgers, pasta, more Cap'n Crunch, almost anything is acceptable lunch food. But what is acceptable nerd lunch food?



The sandwich.

Simple, but with so many possibilities. PB&J, tuna, chicken, chicken salad, ham, turkey, my god the possibilities. My pick? Chicken or Turkey Club.


DINNER

The finale of your day, dinner is usually reserved for families and/or friends and/or life partners get together and spend "quality time." Dinner isn't that big of a deal in the eyes of a nerd. It doesn't need to be that big, since you don't need as much energy from your meal, so hold off from a huge feast. But still, relax, indulge, it's the end of the day.

Now, this one, I will let you go on your own with. Dinner is and should be about relaxtion, keep it that way. but I'll still give you my pick, which is, of course, the best of all.



Chicken cesar salad. Made fresh, perferably, complete with fresh parmesan on top. Nothing tops it, children. Delecious, healthy, and delecious.


There is it children, you food for your nerd life. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Mike, wait, about snacks and drinks? We can't go without snacks and drinks!"

Shut up, snacks and drinks are coming. Drinks and snacks are actually far more complicated than your meals. There's gonna be charts. And math. So quiet down. Damn harpies.

Until next time, eat well and level up.

Semper pi.

My Anna Nicole post.

Now, I apologize for starting off with something as non-nerdy as Anna Nicole Smith, but I feel as through I need to. I'll keep it short and sweet.

She was a greedy, drug-fueled, crazy-ass, old billionaire bangin' ho in life. Her dying should not and will not make me respect her for any reason whatsoever. I don't care how and why it happened and I never will.

There was a candlelight vigil for Anna Nicole in Union Square in NYC this past Thursday (the 8th). If I had known about it, I would have went and vomited on all of them out of pure disgust. What did she ever do to deserve this treatment? I don't remember such coverage when Katherine Hepburn died. Makes me completely sick.

Rant over. Semper pi.

What's it all about?

Hello, my name is Mike. And I am a nerd.

I look nerdy, think nerdy, eat nerdy, hell, I probably breathe neady. My choices in music, movies, games, the books I read, yeah, all nerdy. And you know what? I'm the best blog that's ever happened to you.

I'm happy to say we're finally in the era in which nerds are truly appreciated and understood, mostly. Nerds are now treasured for the smae things for which we were ostracized for in elementrary, middle and high school are now the traits for which we are treasured for. Suck it, jocks.

Here, with this very blog which I'm sure you've just added to your favorites list, I will attempt the initaite the uninitiated. Somehow, someway, somewhere, I will let the non-nerds gain nerd sensibilities, nerd perspectives, nerd tastes. Hell, you'll probably be reading comic books by the time I'm done with all of you. And you'll like it damnit.

So, welcome to nerd bootcamp. Here, I'll give you news, reviews, editorials and one helluva viewpoint. Now, drop and give me twenty, soldier.

Semper pi.