I’m sure you’re all wondering, “Where’ve you been, or great master of wordy words and truthful truths?” I’ve been home, enjoying an early birfday, thank you very much. Now shut you pie hole. You know, the hole. The one where you put pie. Shut it.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Now, I know I left you all in a shroud of delicious mystery last time, as I refused to elaborate on the elaborate snack and drink system of the nerd. Well, after waiting so patiently on pins and needles for so long, I’ve decided to give you all a treat and tell you about it.
DRINKS & SNACKS
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Drinks and snacks are a complicated item in the realm of the nerd. Math is involved. Though I do warn you of the system that ensues, I worry that it will bring up a bit of controversy. You see, nerds are built with this system of snacks and drinks in their minds from birth. It’s true. Ask a doctor. We know exactly what we need to eat or drink, when we need it, based on temperature, situation, current events, historical accuracy, et cetera. To simplify this system for the common man and woman took me quite a bit of time and effort and seeing it in writing might confuse and upset some nerds when and if they see this. But no matter. This is for the benefit of the everyman, not the nerd.
Firstly, the drink calculator.
The Formula:
(Hour of the day) – (Hours you’ve been awake) = Drink
For example, if it’s 5pm and you’ve been awake for, let’s say, 10 hours, you’ll get the drink in the -5 slot, which shall be revealed later. Simple isn’t it?
Now, nine times out of ten, you’ll be getting a negative number, unless you’ve just woken up, but don’t worry, that’s normal, especially later on in the day. And second, don’t use military time here people. 1-12, am or pm and that is it.
If you score between 12 and 6 your drink is…..
COFFEE
An obvious choice. Coffee is nice and hot and delicious with the right amount of foamy stuff and caramel. With caffeine and probably lots of sugar, coffee helps you get your ass up, which you need if you’re just waking up or hitting a lull in the middle of the day.
If you score between 5 and 0 your drink is…..
SPORTS DRINK/KOOL-AID/FRUITY WATER
Now, a score between 5 and absolute 0 probably means you’re starting your day, or hitting the early evening. For this time of day, you need something refreshing, enjoyable, cold and crisp. Fruit flavored drinks are perfect for this category. The best part is the options I’m offering you bitches. Flavor and type can vary to personal taste, though keep it under 20oz.
If you score between -1 and -7 your drink is….
SODA
Colder, cooler and meaner than a sports drink, packed with caffeine and sugar, a can, bottle or cup of soda is perfect for the post-lunch and evening doldrums. The sugar gives you a sudden charge and the caffeine in a regular soda keeps that kicks going. Though be careful with relying on it to get you though the day. If a can of soda is what you’re hoping will get you through the day, you’re gonna have a caffeine crash in no time. Supplement this with a small snack that has a lot of protein or fiber for energy or a bottle of water.
If you score between -8 and -24 your drink is…..
BAWLS
Nerd holy water. Packed with more caffeine than the coffee and soda, Bawls is the necessary tool for late nights or long drives of studying and term paper writing or just an all-nighter of Dead Rising. Bawls can and will keep you going but heed my warning. Take Bawls in small doses and certainly not everyday. You don’t want your body getting used to that much caffeine coming at you all the time, so drinking Bawls for a week straight and then stopping with leave you tired and groggy for a long ass time. When you do drink it, stretch it out, sip, not guzzle, make the bottle last and hour if not more.
There’s your delicious liquid enjoyment, all in a nice, neat little package. “But wait!” you cry, “What about snacks?! I need my snacks!” Shut up. They’re coming and you’ll know what to do by the end of this week. In the mean time, don’t live your life word for word by what I say. These are suggestions and mainly for entertainment, so that means you can’t sue if you o.d. on Mountain Dew. And seriously, be healthy about it, drink water or fresh fruit juice.
Take care of yourselves, you salivating masses.
Semper pi.
2 comments:
BAWLS! I haven't seen that in ages. Do they still sell it in the C-Store?
I'm so glad you made this drink chart...because I just got up, and I was contemplating between coffee and soda....phew...coffee...I was able to make the right choice. Thank you as always for your nerdy wisdom! :)
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